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Joke of the Day

"Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day."

"I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?"

"Q: What do you call a white, poofy space alien? A: Martianmallow."

"The last time Twitter was down I was forced to speak to real people. Real people go on and on and on and on, for way over 140 characters..."

"Friends are like boobs, some are big, some are small, some are real and some are fake."

"Why are Indians the best pizza makers? Because they always do the kneedful."

"What does a Frog use to fish with? A TAD POLE."

"A priest, rapist and pedophile enter a bar. ^^^A ^^^priest, ^^^rapist ^^^and ^^^pedophile ^^^enter ^^^a ^^^bar. He orders a beer."

"What do you call a bear with no teeth? Bare Grylls"

"[calls work] I'm sorry I can't come into work today ""is everything alright?"" [getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no"