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Joke of the Day

"A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a rectal thermometer ""Ugh, some asshole's got my pen!"""

"What does an arctic wildlife photographer get from sitting around too long? Polaroids. ^I ^know, ^that ^was ^god ^awful."

"""Apparently I wasn't clear the first time that I want exactly two joules per second in my ass"" ""I said watt watt in the butt."""

"Hey, are you the combination of fluorine-45 and silver-45? Because you look like a huge FAg."

"A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it's actually one of the only games you can't lose twice"

"What do you get when you cross pasta with a snake? Spaghetti that winds itself around your fork."

"How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank the coffee before it was cool."

"Can't wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post ""what is this, 2016?"" Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me."

"My doctor prescribed a med that has ""weight loss"" as a side effect......I've never wanted to overdose so much in my life!"

"The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day. Wife: ""Windows frozen."" Husband: ""Pour some warm water over them."" Wife: ""Computer completely screwed up now."""