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Joke of the Day

"Garbanzo beans vs chickpeas I used to to not know the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea. But last night I definitely didn't have a garbanzo on my face."

"My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind."

"DOG BOSS: Any messages for me? DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy DOG BOSS: who's Agoodboy? DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*"

"I'm forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together."

"SON: What's a sex tape? ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they S: No M: No? S: Dad. I know what sex is. What's a tape?"

"What's ET short for? Because he's got little legs."

"I never know if I should trust a cabdriver with my sexual history."

"If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply ""I'm a lunatic"" they won't ask any more questions."

"911: Whats ur emergency? ""OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-"" 911: Ma'am, this is an emergency only service- ""-of my sons mouth."""

"His son asked him what gay meant. Son: Dad, what does gay mean? Dad: Happy son. It means happy. Son: Then are YOU gay DAD? Dad: No son...... i have a wife..."