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Joke of the Day

"I woke up to a blow job this morning... That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open."

"I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do"

"I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer."

"Why did the stripper need more insurance? She had little to no coverage."

"I like you but not save your life before a dog's life like you."

"Just found out exercising... ...and exorcising are two very different things. Officially canceling my membership to the most terrifying gym ever. (via @wiseguypictures)"

"I don't know why people dislike roman Numerals. I, for one, like them."

"Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt."

"Someone dumped in the urinal! It was real shitty!"

"Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule"