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Joke of the Day

"Everytime I hold someone's baby, I whisper ""You aint shit"" into their ear. Just to bring their huge baby-ego back down to Earth."

"My grandma is 80 years old, and still doesn't need glasses... She drinks right out of the bottle."

"Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty."

"A nerdy pastry chef walks up to the girl he likes and says 'your beauty is infinite. . . . . . . just like Pi.'"

"A ship full of red paint crashes into a island... The sailors were marooned."

"I accidentally grabbed the wrong shopping cart but am hoping this kid will stop screaming soon because I am not raising a cry baby."

"Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote. Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup. Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, ""OOOOOOOO!"""

"Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was ,""Bach, Bach, Bach"""

"I can't believe they fired me from the calendar company! I just took a day off!"

"Kadala of Diablo 3"