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Joke of the Day

"Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty."

"Whenever I feel discouraged, I remember the words of my then-3 yr old after she puked carrots on the floor: ""I'm gonna need more carrots."""

"What did the police officer say to the man who was urinating publicly? ""Urine trouble, mate!"""

"One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit. What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?"

"I can never write a joke without being criticized about the punchline So fuck you guys"

"I turned into a cat earlier. Don't ask meow."

"Me: You won't believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza. Him: M: *looks down* *sees pepperoni all over*"

"Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services."

"A joke agnostics can enjoy"

"Why did the duck cross the playground? To get to the other slide."