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Joke of the Day

"I can't believe they fired me from the calendar company! I just took a day off!"

"Why can you never trust someone that needs to go to the toilet? Because they're full of shit"

"Life is one long earthquake for those tiny dogs who are always shaking."

"What did the sister cell say to her sister cell when she stepped on her foot? Ow Mytosis! Credits to Amanda Damiani"

"I think it might be a good idea to not buy gold right now. Is a statement that is bound to get gilded."

"I got married to an antenna... The wedding was ok, but the reception was awesome!"

"What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers."

"I just quite my job at the helium factory. I won't be spoken to in that tone."

"If you ate a tart, never eat another one. Trust me, you don't want to me retarted."

"[throws dirty diaper away] - OMG WHAT R U DOING?! - it's gross im not touching that - GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT! - ugh, fine"