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Joke of the Day

"Sex is like maths.. Add the bed Subtract the clothes Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply"

"Did you hear about the group of people who stole a dozen boxes of Viagra? Police are looking for hardened criminals."

"We were so much better at drinking and driving in the 80aTMs. You kids today really fucked it up."

"Today I saw a Japanese man rushing to the elevator The door was closing, so I held it open for him. He replied with, ""Sank you"". Why did he have to mention Pearl Harbor like that?"

"When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking ""they're just keeping me to themselves"""

"What's the difference between light beer and having sex in a boat? Nothing. They're both fucking near water."

"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a dead baby in your apple."

"Not all my tweets are true. For example if ""sex"" and ""lack"" are not in the same tweet then the polygraph will probably run out of ink."

"There once was a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray... He is now a seasoned veteran."

"Why doesn't Meghan Trainor eat salmon? Because she's all about that bass"