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Joke of the Day

"It's the eye of the tiger. It's the spleen of a sheep."

"I Got Ebola :D Ebola icecream!"

"I don't play guitar, but I sure would pluck your G-string."

"Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you're never with me when I need you & I've forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times."

"Italian Guy with a problem What do you call an Italian guy with one arm shorter than the other? A Speech Impediment :)"

"dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more"

"Why isn't John Oliver having sultanas in his fruitcake? Because it's the currant year."

"Reenacting the Civil War seems like a lot of work. I'd much rather reenact the Cola War from my couch. First is the battle of Whiskey."

"The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security."

"ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car's shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I'm sexy."