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Joke of the Day

"My tweets are only motivational if your motive is to become an asshole."

"how many African Americans ""by way of slave ships"" does it take to screw in a light bulb? no less than 2. some one has to drive the pink cadilac"

"Your heart cannot be an American Hero Because I am going to capture it"

"I got accused yesterday of ""plagiarism!!!"" Their words, not mine."

"Change is hard, especially the nickel."

"What did the pervert say to the Sex Detective? I'm sorry officer I didn't know this was your jurisdicktion. I heard this on a movie years ago, can anyone guess which one it was?"

"Why do Avon ladies walk funny? ..because their lipstick"

"I like to put grilled chicken in my egg and cheese stuffed breakfast burrito... Nothing warms my heart and stomach more than reuniting a mother and child."

"Dad: ""Go to your room now!"" Child: *storms off* ""Jim Morrison was overrated!"" Dad: ""What did I tell you about slamming the Doors?!"""

"What's the best part of being an abortion doctor? The free lunch."