60683

Joke of the Day

"I like to put grilled chicken in my egg and cheese stuffed breakfast burrito... Nothing warms my heart and stomach more than reuniting a mother and child."

"Alcoholics don't run in my family... They stumble everywhere."

"I know weathermen get excited about snow, but it's kind of distracting when they jerk off during the forecast."

"If I give my dog a toy that doesn't make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life."

"I like my women how I like my coffee Not breathing ( )"

"Mechanic: what seems to be the problem? Me: nice try buddy, that's what I'm paying you for"

"[roommate hears me come in] ""how was the date?"" [face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I'm allergic to shellfish"

"What do you call a race ran by female horses? A mare-a-thon."

"Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of. Is it a virus or a free U2 album?"

"How do you get four old ladies to say the F word? Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!"