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Joke of the Day

"Why can't rappers take holidays? They always forget Tupac."

"Did you hear about the dyslexic marathoner who would only eat shellfish the night before races? He was crabo-loading."

"Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in ""I recommend the squirrel""."

"Good neighbors never bother you. Great neighbors don't call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn."

"His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already... Woman: Did you just quote Eminem? Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!"

"Why will global warming eventually confuse women trying to reach orgasm? Because it will constantly be changing the position of the clittoral."

"My friends are starting to figure out that I got Botox in my forehead because I can't raise my eyebrows. Why am I not surprised?"

"[One to tell militant women]: how many women on their period does it take to screw in a lightbulb? [Meekly] ^just ^one..."

"Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I'm onto your marketing scam... #EasterBaskets"

"I can't believe the pharmacy hasn't called! ""Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What's it's for anyway?"" Anxiety."