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Joke of the Day

"How was your day? -You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass? That bad? -Oh no. It's just a cool scene. My day was decent"

"My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake."

"Have you ever wondered why Severus Snape taught Potions and not Herbology? It's because his Lily died."

"If you pooped everything out and then only ate corn after that, would your next poop just be a pile of corn? Oh sorry welcome to PF Chang's"

"""Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."" ""Oh Ya, what does he do?"" ""Makes gun powder."""

"Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor? Me: Now I'm live tweeting ""The Walking Dead."" Wife: Me: Everything isn't about you."

"Toilet seats can give you STD's... ...If you sit down before the person stands up"

"Why did vegan cross the road? Because chicken came to his side."

"People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing... Could I be more WORKING!"

"What has two legs and bleeds? Half a puppy."