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Joke of the Day

"[Blue whale documentary] This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day. Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I'm kind of a foodie."

"Why are stock traders so good at sex? Same principal, you gotta pull out at the right moment or it costs you."

"How do you get a Baby in a bowl? How do you get it out? How do you get a baby in a bowl? With a mixer. How do you get it out? ""With nachos."

"""Say ur a bad girl"" I'm a bad girl ""oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do..."" ooh i'm gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice"

"Why are 1980 pennies worth more than 1979 pennies? (Dads joke) The same reason 10 pennies is worth more than 9."

"I bet a crowded elevator smells different to a midget."

"Executioner : Due to the power-cut we'll be using the acoustic chair."

"My Grandfather had the heart of a lion and... A lifetime ban from the New York City zoo."

"[Therapist appt.] Hub: She doesn't have her priorities straight. *Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* ""That's not true"""

"Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night."