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Joke of the Day

"[Therapist appt.] Hub: She doesn't have her priorities straight. *Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* ""That's not true"""

"Joseph: no rooms? Dude she's about to give birth to humanity's savior Innkeeper: sorry busy around Christmas time J: wtf around what time"

"Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren't the worst. Me: Wall-E's friend was a cockroach. Wife: Except that."

"SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME'S TOM AND I'LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER"

"What do you call an unimportant pachyderm? It's irrelephant."

"I hate talking to my boyfriend sometimes. Every time I bring up his camping fetish, he pitches a huge tent."

"Congrats to Ohio State, you didn't have the worst performance of the evening... ...Mariah Carey's got your back."

"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex... I'm tired. I'm washing my hair. I've got a headache. I am your sister-in-law."

"A pedophile was taking a small child into the woods at night.... The kid say, ""These woods are really scary"". The pedophile replies with, ""You're telling me, iv'e got to walk out of here alone""."

"What do a Walrus and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal"