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Joke of the Day

"""Hello! You have a nice dog. Opiates are bad. Beautiful day today. My parents talk to pixies. Bye!"" - Polite home-schooled kid I met today."

"What did the umpire say when Randy Johnson hit a bird with his pitch? Fowl ball."

"I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector."

"My dog used to chase people on a bike It got so bad I had to take away his bike.."

"""There will be snacks."" - someone successfully convincing me to do anything"

"I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson"

"I work in a call center and i'm a white dude and had an Indian customer who can't understand tech support... Oh the irony.."

"""God is dead, but like, dead in a fun way"" - Nietzsche trying to make a first date less awkward"

"""How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?"" ""Sir, she came in with you!"""

"Santorum I thought he didn't believe in pulling out?"