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Joke of the Day

"90% of the internet is people who don't know anything having their questions answered by people who don't know anything."

"I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself. No fence. Nun taken."

"Some people go to church on Sunday mornings. I just grabbed snacks and crawled back in bed to watch porn and read tweets."

"I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable."

"I'm giving up negativity for lent. We'll see how long that lasts. Edit: aware it should be pessimism. This is a serious quote from a friend who didn't realise what she'd said."

"January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up? March 2: I am, good sir April 6: Would you kindly come over? May 9: K"

"What do 9 out of 10 people agree on?"

"TEN>NINE Doctor:"" I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Patient : ""What do you mean by 10?10 what?Months?Weeks?"" Doctor: ""Nine."""

"How long does it take for a newborn to fall from the empire state building? About 16 seconds"

"lesbian vampires What do lesbian vampires say after sex? See you next month."