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Joke of the Day

"Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write ""do not eat"" on dry silica packets"

"There are days & nights where I'm surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house."

"Regular naps prevent aging... Especially if you take them while driving."

"some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we're too far away to hear his answer]"

"Top three phrases uttered in our household, in order of frequency: 1. ""I burped."" 2. ""I love you."" 3. ""I farted."""

"Why did the burgler take a bath? He wanted to have a 'clean getaway'."

"That's some crazy news about corn on the cob... Oh, I'm surprised you didn't **ear** about it!"

"Q: What do you call a prostitute's children? A: Brothel sprouts."

"I speak 4 languages: English, Profanity, Sarcasm, and Real shit."

"What does Jesus do with all the money he gets from church tithings? Jesus saves."