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Joke of the Day

"some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we're too far away to hear his answer]"

"Thanks a lot, gourmet cupcake shops. You've taken a perfectly good treat and turned it into an asshole."

"Morning jog Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick up the block and put it back in my toy chest."

"Who declared west africa ebola-free? Who declared west africa ebola-free."

"What did the lonely ghost do at 2 in the morning? He made a booo-ty call"

"How does JokeExplainBot work? Having all that trivial information must be a big distraction..."

"Me: What's your dad do? Kid: My dad? He's an actor Me: Why? Couldn't you get a real dad?"

"As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day It's lucky my older brother told me about it really... \- Milton Jones"

"*invents time machine* *goes to 1930 germany* *points guns at young hitler* What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?"

"How do you capture a polar bear? 1. Dig a hole in the ice. 2. Place a bunch of peas around the hole 3. When the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole."