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Joke of the Day

"Been waiting at the bar for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for fuck sake!!!!!"

"I thought I really understood what I was thinking, and then I spoke."

"Never bring a dildo to a knife fight."

"Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so damn good at it"

"Ever wonder why You never see the headline. Physic wins the lottery."

"If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions... I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too."

"Don't make me use UPPERCASE."

"I ordered the CliffsNotes version of Snooki's book and they sent me a bar menu, a printout of the urban dictionary and an STD pamphlet."

"What's the difference between PHP and PCP? One makes you: * feel numb * see things that aren't there * panicked and paranoid * feel loss of control over your actions. The other is a synthetic drug."

"Do you know why the nobles always mistreated their peasants? Because they're all a bunch of vassals."