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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the murdered essay? They can't find the body."

"Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!! Me: Not with that attitude."

"""So did you get lucky last night?"" You better believe it! [flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]"

"I just voted for Pluto to be a planet again."

"I'm not kidding Santa is waiting outside my house til it's ""late enough"" to go down my chimney"

"My wife's new skirt Came home and saw my wife had done some shopping. ""Nice skirt,"" I said. ""What are you talking about? I got my hair straightened out."""

"We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!"

"Emmy Awards In the U.S., your program has to win an Emmy. In the U.K., programme already has one."

"How was the bear able to move in order to get honey? It had muscles."

"When I woke up this morning I was like, ""I really can't stay"" but my bed was like, ""Baby, it's cold outside."""