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Joke of the Day

"""So did you get lucky last night?"" You better believe it! [flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]"

"Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song's called ""Fur Elise"" Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U"

"""Oh, look at the moon!"" I've seen the moon. Thanks."

"So, a dyslexic walks into a bra..."

"9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn't vote for himself"

"What do you do when you hear a woman got hit by a car? Wonder how the hell a car got into the kitchen"

"So proud of myself...6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded."

"What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog."

"Catching Criminals by Hans Upp"

"ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep."