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Joke of the Day

"I go in bars in a suit & tie, drink all night & write tweets down in a notebook. They're not quite sure if I'm the district manager or not."

"Why doesn't Justin Bieber shop at 'Sporting Goods?' Because he likes Dick's better."

"What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint."

"What do chinese people do when they have an erection? they vote"

"4 out of 5 experts agree that when you put any 5 experts together, 4 out of 5 of them will agree."

"Why did the marriage between the crab and the shrimp end in a divorce? Because they were both too Shellfish."

"Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died."

"Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don't know about you but I've never, ever washed my belt."

"Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either."

"Why did the Kurd bury his music collection? His tribesman said ""ISIL is approaching, and they're coming for Yazidis."""