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Joke of the Day

"Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes"

"""Snitches get stitches,"" I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets."

"You ever notice when your phone decides to call someone its someone you don't want to talk to.!"

"""Hey, let's share a bottle of wine and try out the shriek-laugh we've been rehearsing."" -The women next to everyone everywhere."

"What did one casket say to the other casket? ""Is that you coffin?'"

"Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary."

"Who are some of the best readers in the world? World Trade Center workers, some of them can read 50 stories in just 8 seconds!"

"Some people dont appreciate a good joke. When I say knock knock, youre supposed to say ""who's there?"" not ""im taking a shit, who are you?!"""

"As a Hilary supporter in Colorado, I'm still happy with the outcome of the election. Since proposition 106 passed I can legally kill myself now that trump won."

"I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've tripping all day."