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Joke of the Day

"Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help? Patient: Sure now I see the spots much clearer."

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Some obscure number, you've probably never heard of it."

"I've been sneaking clay, sand and mortar into my housemate's food... When they find out they'll shit bricks."

"I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord."

"Boss: why do you deserve this promotion? Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant B: what drugs are you on? Me: good ones *leaves*"

"What do you call data on a Pediatricians computer? Pedi-files"

"GOD: there, my first animal :) SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move? G:like this*shimmies* S: G:just kinda*shimmies* S:dude"

"I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I'm the lead singer of Creed."

"You can't run a country like a business. If you did, you'd have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that's socialism! Bye!"

"I think it was stupid of David Bowie keeping his cancer a secret. The amount of likes he would have got on Facebook would have saved him ten times over."