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Joke of the Day

"Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they're for here or to go."

"He and I were best friends and roommates, so sex was never on the table. It was always on the couch, the bed, and the floor. Come on, we *eat* there."

"I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?"

"Yesterday while I was talking with my girlfriend about Ebola, I asked her what she would do if I had Ebola... ""Ebola what, Cheerios?"" Best joke she's ever told"

"""none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?"" I promise [later] *stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA"

"Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? After they were caught, they finished each other's sentences."

"I must be an odd one Because I can't even"

"Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Thousands because Confucious say many hands make light work."

"If a genie ever gives me three wishes, goodbye Kardashians."

"I was reading a subreddit about unfinished sentences and it was Im not finishing this one eithe"