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Joke of the Day

"Your head is sooooo bald I mistook you for a green rabbit."

"Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye. Her: Why? Me: *stabs fork into eye*"

"I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot."

"Behind every great man there's a great woman who can take whatever he just said and turn it into a great big fight."

"Russia's attitude towards the West is sometimes... Off-Putin."

"What do you call deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea."

"Diagnosing myself on WebMD after smoking a joint is a terrible idea, i always end up with HIV and I probably just have gas (and now anxiety)"

"I'm starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook. You know we just joke about being Facebook right?"

"[God creating mosquitoes] ""I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces."""

"I'm still waiting for the episode of Extreme Home Make Over where they demolish a hobo's cardboard box and build him a crate..."