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Joke of the Day

"I'm really good at acting like I'm sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it."

"don't be offended if someone doesn't reply to your text. their phone is prob ""just on silent"" or ""right in front of their lying face"""

"*spills wine on Ouija board* OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T ME: *moves pointer to NO*"

"It's like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren't allowed to sit together."

"Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift's relationship is over after just three months because he wanted it to be more public... I guess she wanted it to be more Loki."

"I'd participate in more blind taste tests if they didn't always scream & hit me with their canes while I'm licking them."

"It says a lot about someone... It says a lot about someone when they try to prank you by putting aluminum foil in the toilet bowl. It says even more about you when it works."

"I invented a new word: *Zygorepostalgia* It's the feeling you get when you see the same joke reposted more than once in the same day and realize it wasn't funny the first time either."

"*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment* ""Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar."""

"You're an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn"