56958

Joke of the Day

"This morning I called work and told them I came down sick with Anal Glaucoma. And I couldn't see my ass making it in to work today."

"[very obviously being hit on] hahaha ok well, see you around [4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe] wait a second"

"Don't say ""fuck"" in Japan They don't like it when you drop the bomb."

"I've slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom"

"Two deer walk out of a bar. One turns to the other in disgust and says, ""I can't believe you blew 20 bucks in there."""

"What do you call a bad circumcision? A rip off. (Da da tshhh)"

"[interview] What is your greatest strength? ""Throwing my voice"" You're hired! ""Ok great, thanks"" Wait I didn't say- oh wow you're good"

"A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian tells him he'll only lose it."

"What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture."

"There's a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart."