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Joke of the Day

"[very obviously being hit on] hahaha ok well, see you around [4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe] wait a second"

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"[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] ""It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"""
"Reddit I'm in a bit of a pickle.. and it tastes great."
"My 5 year old thinks that there's a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won't get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM."
"How do we know Jesus wasn't good with the ladies? He only got nailed once"
"5yo after licking my face: ""Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you."""
"do you know? Did you know It takes the average American male approximately 4 minutes to have an orgasm. Do you know how long it takes the average woman? Who fucking cares."
"I just call everyone viewers...... so I won't mistake their gender."
"What do you call a black woman who has an abortion? A crime fighter"
"Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens."
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