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Joke of the Day

"Give me a compliment? Wife: ""I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"" Husband: ""You have perfect eyesight."""

"How much does a rock weigh? One stone."

"I've only taught my parrot to say ""REPETITION"" so far. Next I'm going to teach him to say ""IRONY AND ANNOYING ARE SYNONYMS"". ""SQUAWK!"""

"We have enough breakfast items for the toaster now, food scientists. Move on to the car heater vent."

"How near was the boy to his dad's tobacco stash before getting busted? Close... but no cigar."

"Tifu by having sex with my friend's dumb bitch I guess bestiality isn't common where hes from."

"My wife said she'd like another baby... ... I agreed, the one we have is fucking annoying!"

"If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong."

"What would be a good dating site for rednecks ? MyHeritage.com"

"Grandma complained that no one ever calls, so I put a ""How's My Driving?"" bumper sticker on her car...The phone pretty much rings off the hook now."