51318

Joke of the Day

"Who led the Jewish people through the semi-permeable membrane? Osmoses"

"I was feeling down the other day, so I threw some bleach over my Muslim friend... I thought it'd lighten Mahmood."

"Why was Oedipus against profanity? because he kisses his mother with that mouth."

"I can make a movie with my hand. All it takes is a FLICK of the wrist!"

"My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends."

"Boss: This is the 3rd time I've seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means? Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?"

"I can't believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm."

"Me: You're the only one who truly gets me. Chipotle guy: What? Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito."

"Why was the policeman in bed? Because he was an undercover cop"

"When I'm feeling down. I just remind myself that I've won just as many Oscars as Leonardo Dicaprio"