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Joke of the Day

"And as they were eating, Jesus took content and linked to it, giving it to his disciples, and said, 'Take, eat; this is my brand'"

"[installing program] Operation Status: 1 min left Me: Yes! Finally! *30 minutes later* Operation Status: 60 mins left Me: Wait. What?"

"My wife texted me at lunch ""Window's frozen"" ""Pour warm water on it, then lightly tap the edges with a hammer and chisel"" I replied. Ten minutes later, she called back. ""We need a new computer now""."

"hope no vids surface of the time i opened a bag of potato chips and one flew out and hit me in the eye"

"Aww, you ""only wish the best for your exes?"" That's cool, I lie about things too."

"What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless."

"What do they teach in ISIS business school? Execution is everything."

"Lesbian sex is like swimming. [NSFW] It's not hard, and gets you wet."

"[tortoise arguing with his gf] ""FINE IM LEAVING"" FINE [6 minutes later] are you going or not? ""THIS IS AS FAST AS I CAN GO KAREN"""

"Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago."