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Joke of the Day

"Aww, you ""only wish the best for your exes?"" That's cool, I lie about things too."

"I'm weird but not ""sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I've got no plans to leave"" weird. That stuff's 4 serial killers."

"Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*"

"Turning on a hotel shower: making you feel mildly retarded since 1947."

"How many black Oscar nominees would it take (compared to white nominees) to satisfy the boycotters? Three-fifths as many seems like a generous offer."

"What did Mr. T say when he saw a fat lady at the bar? I don't hate this bar, but I pity the stool."

"Crocodiles; these prehistoric beasts can grow up to 20 feet! Although most just grow 4."

"If you can't spell a word...what do you do? Find the locution"

"My ex girlfriend was like a pile of shit. Always had a thousand eyes on her."

"My wife and I are screaming at each other from different toilets while our sons shoot each other with bb guns"