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Joke of the Day

"[Bar] HER: I want to have sex so badly ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex"

"I was going to photograph my food but then I ate it. I hope I don't get kicked off Instagram for that kind of behaviour."

"Chestnut. What do you call a nut on a chest? A chestnut. What do you call a nut on a wall? A walnut. What do you call a nut on a chin? A blowjob."

"What does a midwestern farmer and a rapper have in common? They both want to make it rain."

"Lies I'll never stop telling: 1. I'd never put you in a home, mom. 2. It's 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus."

"The best part of waking up is still mystery to me."

"I googled 'Gary Oldman' and left off the 'r' It was the longest 3 hours of my life."

"What do you call a Scottsman with a sniper rifle? Fiction."

"Why did the PHP programmer go to the optician? because he didn't C#"

"Procrastinators be like; Sofa so good My attempt on pun"