46549

Joke of the Day

"Meeting my friend's new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?"

"Dear Tequila, we had a deal last night. You were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk"

"What's a metaphor? Winning the game tournament!"

"Dear Internet, Once and for all, I agree to ALL ""the terms and conditions"" that have or will ever exist. Jeez!"

"I have daily sex... ... I mean dyslexia."

"I wish I were as attractive to women as I am to mosquitoes."

"Did you hear about the dyslexic occultist? He sold his soul to Santa."

"My dad has a weird hobby, he collects empty bottles. Which sounds a lot better than alcoholic."

"Little Johnny Johnny was a chemist's son, but Johnny is no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4."

"thousamds of yrs ago i used up mankind's only wish & got peas placed on this earth. all the wars coud hav been prevented if i hadnt mumbled"