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Joke of the Day

"I went to a psychic today. Ended up accidentally breaking her crystal ball. It cost me a fortune."

"My friend said he froze himself and as a result his testicles were at -273.1 degrees Celcius... Absolute bollocks"

"What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows..."

"Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar"

"Never trust somebody with a degree in child psychology to cut your kid's hair. They're therapists who'll groom your children."

"Seeing your ex go through what they put you through. Priceless.."

"How do you get over a crush you've had since high school? Leave the dungeon door unlocked."

"I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, ""Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!"""

"But officer, I put the phone down as soon as I saw that you saw me using it..."

"A dad asks 4-year-old son: ""How'd you sleep last night?"" Son says: ""umm... With my eyes closed?"" Edit: This actually happened btw. Probably funnier irl."