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Joke of the Day

"Good thing the silica gel packet that came with my shoes was marked ""DO NOT EAT"". I assume all new shoes come with snacks."

"How to make a plumber to cry How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family. :)"

"Banks suck ass. First they get bailed out with $700B of our money, then they're like ""You can't use Wingdings for the font on your checks."""

"Old meaning of sorry. ""I won't do it again."" New meaning of sorry. ""Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."""

"What happened to the gun that kept randomly shooting? He got fired."

"An atheist, a vegan, and a Cross Fitter walk into a bar I only know because they told everyone in the first 3 minutes."

"The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district"

"[5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other] Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments? 5: You want me to sleep on the couch?"

"I can't see very well in the dark but on the bright side, I see just fine."

"Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers. Me: *does ""the divorce papers"" in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY"