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Joke of the Day

"Give it to me, I'm so fucking wet! Give it to me! no matter how much she begged, I would't give her the umbrella"

"I'm considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?"

"|(O)| MAARCOOO! ...... (.){"

"What's the worst way to tell a guy his small penis is okay? Oh honey, I'm not worried about a little thing like that!"

"My gf said all I do is sit on the couch in my underwear all day but that's bullshit, I've never been able to fit my underwear onto my couch."

"How did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate the pizza before it was cool."

"me: [letting dog lick my face] wife: that's disgusting me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you're the one who used all the hot water linda"

"Obi-wan: These aren't the droids Stormtrooper: They look like them Obi: So all droids look the same to you? Trooper: No, I- Obi: Racist"

"""One man's trash is another man's treasure,"" is an awesome phrase But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted."

"What do you call someone with a spice garden on Gallifrey? A Thyme Lord."