42225

Joke of the Day

"Give it to me, I'm so fucking wet! Give it to me! no matter how much she begged, I would't give her the umbrella"

"I hate being bipolar. It's awesome"

"My friend's wife is so controlling. When they're together, he talks like he's filming a hostage video."

"Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I've killed. Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven."

"Q.How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb? A. 3. 1 to find the bulb 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man."

"[catching breath at friends house] I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked"

"Turns out, telemarketers don't like it when 5 year olds answer the phone and tell them princess Ariel stories."

"You know that you are ghetto when you can fit 110 words into 140 characters."

"If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress"

"A drunk man's reasoning; ""What the hell, she's only ugly in the face"""