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Joke of the Day

"me: [letting dog lick my face] wife: that's disgusting me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you're the one who used all the hot water linda"

"the easiest way to distinguish between their/there/they're is to remember that they are all different words"

"Dont like dogs They can be a bit RUFF!"

"::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I'm terribly sorry. I suffer from colon cancer."

"Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*"

"Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW! Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door* Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed."

"A baby boy was born without eyelids. After the circumcision, the doctors used the foreskin to make eyelids. Now he's cockeyed."

"Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer... she exclaims, ""Some asshole's got my pen!"""

"Worst idea you'll ever have is oiling your 4 year-old's squeaky bedroom door. Congratulations, you just made a ninja."

"I entered a joke contest and to increase my chances of winning I submit 10 jokes.... Unfortunately I didn't win, no pun in ten did..."