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Joke of the Day

"your Lonely Score is the maximum number of forks a takeout place has given you for your single person food order. my score is 4"

"If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him. You'll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger."

"I just came up with a new word! Plagiarism!"

"[auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]"

"A gentleman is . . . ...a man who gets out of the shower to take a pee"

"Why did Mary Poppins break both her legs? because she had Supercalifrajilistic Osteoporosis"

"I got 4,627 problems and 697 of them are toothpicks, 884 of them are threads on my pillow, 3,045 are leaves on these trees, and OCD is 1."

"""I'm sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she'll understand it's just for fun."" Said a bunch of now single guys."

"How do you know your fridge is going through menopause? It's all out of eggs.."

"Did you hear about the French baker who kept burning himself on the top shelf of his oven? He had a high threshold for *pain*"