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Joke of the Day

"As I pulled back the ring-pull on my 5th can of beer, I heard ""Hello."" I thought to myself, ""It must be the drink talking."""

"how do you hide from hitler? Standstill.... he can nazi."

"Me: Can't. I'm exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning. Him: It's pronounced 'croissant' & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!"

"Hey guys just wanted to let you guys know that I'm vegan"

"Your greatest puns! Please, I love puns. Lots of puns. Any kind. Bring em on!"

"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving."

"Guy: Hey girl, you got the Zika? Girl: I dunno, why? Guy: Cause I want a little head."

"[identifying body] Cop: this him? Me: yea Cop: he's burnt pretty bad huh Me: yea Cop: ... Me: ... Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation"

"Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live,. So I shot him. Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved."

"Michael Jackson, too soon? What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? One of them walks on the moon, the other one fucks little boys in the ass"