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Joke of the Day

"Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live,. So I shot him. Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved."

"I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball."

"What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Credit to Top Gear."

"Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police! Her: Calm down, where are they now? Me: Still ringing the doorbell"

"What do you say if you meet a toad? Wart's new?"

"What do you call someone with March Madness who doesn't even like basketball? A hypochondriac"

"I like working out. Sometimes I still feel like I have the body of a teenager, but then I remember I buried that slut like, a week ago."

"How many guys in the friend zone does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they just stand around and compliment it and get pissed off when it doesn't screw."

"A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender says ""what'll ya have"" Seal replies ""Anything but Canadian Club."

"What do you call a fly when it retires? A flew. BUH DUM TSS! No? Alright.. I'll see myself out."