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Joke of the Day

"[identifying body] Cop: this him? Me: yea Cop: he's burnt pretty bad huh Me: yea Cop: ... Me: ... Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation"

"I feel like doing something rebellious and out of character to shock people. Like dye my hair a shade darker or stop taking iron tablets."

"[firing squad] Any last requests? ""Here's my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?"" Yes. *listens* Oh man that's FIRE *gunshots*"

"What is black and white and red all over? A Chihuahua in a tuxedo that tripped into a jar of salsa!"

"Daughter: Why don't kids at school get my sarcastic humor? Me: Because they have boring parents, darling."

"I thought it was good to get a bonus. It sucks getting a bonus chromosome."

"Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says ""Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here."""

"What's the difference between your mom and 3 dicks? Your mom can't take a joke."

"I got into a heated debate with my friend about time travel... We really opened a can of wormholes."

"- What's your cell phone? - iPhone. - No, I meant the number. - It's a 6. - No, to contact you. - I don't use it for that."