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Joke of the Day

"GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though."

"I feel like my rear end turns into Billy Mayes whenever I get diarrhea... ""Butt wait, there's more!"""

"Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old's shirt is on backward* It's cute how you let her dress herself. Me: Yes. She did that."

"So it looks like there was a paedophile ring operating at the heart of Thatcher's government. I don't know why everyones so shocked, they were well known for fucking miners."

"I bet even Kanye West occasionally looks in the mirror and thinks ""That was kind of silly, what I just did."""

"I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls."

"If you can think of a better fish joke Let minnow."

"What I need is to find a woman who loves me for my money ... but doesn't understand maths. - Mike Birbiglia"

"Why did Simba's father die? Because he couldn't Mufasa!"

"My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, ""What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?"" I said, ""It's not what it looks like!"""