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Joke of the Day

"[Border control] Officer: ""You're not American."" Me: ""Deep."" *Officer squints* M: ""Fried."" *squints harder* M: ""Guns."" ""Welcome back, Sir."""

"NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches How to choose a Wife, NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN."

"Lance Armstrong never had the balls to admit that he cheated."

"Ha ha! Clinton-Dix"

"I decided to play agar.io again... Now I hate my cellf"

"If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold"

"Congress just passed a bill that makes it legal to murder those friends who respond to a text by calling you."

"Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes"

"Did you hear about the teacher who never farted in class? It turns out she was a private tooter."

"WIFE: I can't believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me ME: Cut me some slack he was wearing your perfume"