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Joke of the Day

"My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says ""declined"" whenever you use it."

"What has 9 arms & sucks........ Def Lepard."

"If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby"

"Just saw an old man in the park feeding the birds Wonder how long he'd been dead"

"You haven't truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph."

"What's a prisoner's favorite punctuation mark? A period because it marks the end of his sentence."

"One good thing about pedophiles....! At least they drive slow in school zones...!"

"Whats the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby i just killed? Newton died a virgin"

"I'm giving up spellcheck for Lant"

"A cat's love is like nothing you've ever experienced unless you've dated a completely aloof murderer with autism."