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Joke of the Day

"Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in."

"*At a clothing store* Worker: Do you need any help sir? Me: *Mixes ""No, I'm good"" & ""No, I'm just looking""* Me:""No, I'm just good looking"""

"My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings."

"Parents: Don't let your kids get fake tattoos. Get 'em get real deal prison ink & teach 'em something about this shit called LIFE."

"What do you get when you burn Baltimore? Baltiless"

"You only live once. Make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet daily, desperately seeking validation from strangers."

"They say, ""the grass is greener on the other side..."" That's why Pablo, my landscaper, imports my marijuana."

"Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?"

"Nothing sucks worse... than a shitty vacuum cleaner"

"When I was younger, I was kicked out of the Boy Scouts I ate a Brownie."