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Joke of the Day

"A cat's love is like nothing you've ever experienced unless you've dated a completely aloof murderer with autism."

"[buying cucumber and vaseline] me: got an awesome night planned clerk: eugh [later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich] this is awful"

"Why can't bicycles stand on their own? Because they are two tired."

"After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it's still January so it's super cold out and I have considerate eyes."

"What do you call a Mexican burglar? Juanted"

"Condoms don't break They sexpire."

"Hey baby, if I supply the voltage and you some resistance, imagine the current we can make together."

"I had to do my nightly chores twice today Thanks daylight savings!"

"Stevie Wonder got a cheesegrater for Christmas. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read."

"The perfect woman is 3 feet 4 inches tall with a square head ... So you can rest a can of beer on her head while she blows you."