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Joke of the Day

"[Hospital front desk] ""Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-"" *wife hits me* ""Baby delivery, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"""

"Hi yes, I'd like the cheeseburger ""How would you like that cooked?"" *gets right up in waitresses face* With frickin fire, obviously"

"I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It's like that time I invented the wheelbarrow."

"Next time I cut out eyes in a painting to watch people from behind the wall, I'll use a portrait instead of a landscape."

"My daughter wrote ""Daddy is the best"" in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She'll make some lucky guy miserable one day."

"A few Turks were discussing where to live Turk 1: Shall we live in the coup? Turk 2: err, dogan."

"Siri: Retweet me."

"Happy Easter!... Sorry it's a bit early, I suffer from premature congratulation."

"This isn't a joke, I'm a Black guy who's in dire need of white jokes.... Give me your best Reddit! ^^^^"

"I told my mom I was going to run away to Oklahoma. All she said was, ""OK"""